why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
