There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
