I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
