I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
