Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
