You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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