found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
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