The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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