That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
either way he was missing a nipple.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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