you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
