Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
