You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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