I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
