Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
