somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
