Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
