I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
