Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
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