I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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