take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Randomize
