last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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