I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
