I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
