It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
My ATM looks so different sober.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
