the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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