He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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