I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
