my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
