I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Randomize
