I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
