Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
