I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Randomize
