I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Randomize
