I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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