Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
