Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Randomize
