Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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