She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
no you cant smoke seaweed
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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