11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
