I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
The struggles of a small town man whore
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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