I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
