I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
