I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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