What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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