first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
