I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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