my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
