If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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