my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
