What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
