There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
